I don’t really remember how my life was prior to my scars. We lived with my grandparents until I was 4 or 5 years old so I was safe most of the time. The household was full of abuse. Physical, psychological, mental, and sexual abuse. I can tell you from the age of 5 or 6 that’s when the scars started happening. Being berate, the name calling, the hitting, slapping, my mom picking me up by both sides of my hair and shaking me. I’m not sure what was worse the mental or the physical abuse or sexual abuse by my father and brother. I always felt like I was less than a human. The mental and psychological abuse continued throughout high school and at this point I was just numb to it all. I knew I was less then everyone, I was ugly and unloved. So what does one do when you feel you are ugly and unloved? You throw yourself at men just trying to get their affection. (Love). Single men, married men, engaged men it didn’t matter as long as they “loved” me. I hit rock bottom when I stayed with my daughter’s father for 9 years. The mental abuse was excruciating. He said he loved me he said he would be kind and honest. I am surprised I survived the physical abuse. The black eyes, busted lips, the bruises, the cuts, the slapping and punching. The constant excuses to it all. The threats to my children and family if I said anything. I kept away from my family and friends. I always thought that was the safest for them but in reality, it cut me off from everything. I was literally a shell of a person, no joy, no love, no life. He took a job in Las Vegas and we stayed back in AZ. He found another woman and I became nothing to him. That is when I found my release from the abuse. My heart started to heal and there was a relief in the air. I think I finally overcame this when my mind started to heal. I knew my worth and my value. I am learning to trust again and trying things that are outside my comfort zone. I think being able to say it out loud makes a world of difference. I was always embarrassed and afraid of what others would say, or think… or this idea I was protecting them. In reality you are protecting the abuser. I know it is tough to hear that someone you love is being hurt in many ways.
Once you start talking you will find the help and resources. You have so much power over your circumstances. I am Christine and I am scarred beautiful.